Radioactive conversations: how to avoid them by Joel Peterson

Radioactive conversations: how to avoid them

(Original Article Authored by Joel Peterson, Chairman, JetBlue Airways. Stanford Business Professor and posted on Linkedin.com page here.)

If there’s a ticking bomb in your personal or professional life, you already know it’s better to defuse it than to let it explode. If you don't face it head on, you risk fallout that can last months, years—or even a lifetime.

Is it a conversation with your partner about where you should live, or with your child about how she’s doing in school, or who his friends are? Perhaps at work you’ve locked horns with your boss over your own vision and priorities – and you sense it's beginning to affect your career trajectory. In any of these cases, the odds are that you don’t want to deal with it; and they don’t either.

But the longer you put it off, the fewer ticks are left before the bomb goes off. When it does, a lot heat gets released, and things get said that can’t be unsaid. Bad goes to worse. And sometimes, worse goes to radioactive.

Why hazard that kind of damage when some thoughtful preparation, and cool-headed discussion, can disarm many confrontations before they happen? Here are a few strategies that can turn tension into progress:

1. Atmospherics matter. Pick a good moment, and a good place. Make things as easy as possible on the other party. Try to catch them in an even mood. People don’t respond well when they’re hungry or exhausted, or in a location where they feel vulnerable. And have the talk in private, without eavesdroppers or referees.

2. Don’t bury the lede. Resist the temptation to start the conversation by asking how the other person is feeling. Vague overtures may seem like a good way to “test of the waters,” but may only make you seem hesitant or ill at ease. If it’s a colleague, launch the conversation with a straightforward, “I’ve been wanting to talk with you for a while about something that’s getting in the way of our working well together. I want to discuss how we might fix what’s causing it.”

3. Listen (first), listen (well), listen (generously). After opening the conversation with a clear statement of your intentions, offer to let the other party share his or her perspective before you do. It’s a gesture of goodwill and respect – and getting off to a good, unselfish start means a better chance of a good, unselfish outcome.

Then, listen like it’s your job. Have the discipline to repeat what you’ve heard (“What I hear you saying is…”). Your work isn’t done until the other person feels that you’ve understood her perspective. Beware: You may feel the explosion coming on before you get to this point. That’s normal, and in fact it’s likely why the conflict exists in the first place. But stay cool, and don’t interrupt except for clarification, or to gently ask your counterpart not to wander too far into ancient history. Good listening alone can go a long way toward solving a conflict.

4. Your turn: Be clear. Be calm. When it comes time to give critical feedback, express it in the form of concern. If you want to talk to your teenager about his behavior, try something like, “You know how much I care about you. My own experience with how the world works makes me feel that I owe you some guardrails. I’m going to ask you to trust me on this.” Granted, teens aren’t likely to jump into your corner, even with this approach. But it sets the tone for your longer-term goal -- to nourish a trust relationship where you still have some influence over an increasingly free agent.
The same goes for charged conversations with a supervisor or employee. If you’re giving negative feedback, do it in a spirit of growth and forward movement, discuss a fair plan for addressing the issue, and set up a time to reconnect and check in.

5. Don’t be the on to pull the pin. If things get heated, you may hear things like “I’ll see you in court,” “You’re such a jerk,” or “That’s it! I’m outta here!” But don’t let it be you who goes there.

The jujitsu of high-stress conversations means you want to move toward the other party if the rhetoric turns hostile. The louder, more aggressive, more threatening he becomes, the lower your volume must be, and the more you must absorb. This doesn't mean capitulating or accepting abuse; it means being the bigger person. Instead of answering a legal threat with, “I hope you’ve got a good lawyer, then,” try something like, “I’m sad you feel that way. I’d hate for that to be where we end up. Let’s explore a less destructive course of action.”

Stressful conversations are worth having sooner than later. Conducted with care, they can release pressure before it builds to the breaking point, and even make relationships stronger. Don’t put off what’s difficult now in favor of what will be impossible down the road.
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Joel's recent posts:

To-do #1: Kill your to-do list

The 10 most common firing mistakes

Be the Michelangelo of Goal-Setting

Follow Joel at @JoelCPeterson

To-do #1: Kill your to-do list!

To-do #1: Kill your to-do list

(By Joel Peterson for Linkedin.com)

Most executives sit atop a mountain of to-do’s that never seems to get any smaller, no matter how furiously they work to cross things off. One young entrepreneur I work with was struggling with a list that contained 25 “pressing issues.” She wanted to improve her web site, craft a workable budget, reorganize the sales force, update pricing, replace the head of IT, prepare board documents, start employee reviews and a dozen other vital tasks.

That many giant projects stacked on top of one another can be a fearsome thing to behold. So I suggested she put the list aside for a minute, take a deep breath, and pull out a clean sheet of paper. Next I told her to try this exercise:

• Fit every item on the Big List into one of three columns -- tasks that benefit Employees, Shareholders, or Customers.
• If any of the tasks doesn't fit in one of the columns -- cross it off. Be ruthless.
• Rank the remaining tasks by order of importance, and assign all but the top one in each column to your team members.
• The three remaining tasks -- one in each group – are your new priorities.

As hard as this can be to do, the idea is a simple one: To-do’s aren’t goals – they’re tasks. If you’re a CEO (or a team leader), your job is to figure out what winning looks like. In the above example, balancing the needs, wants and expectations of all three core constituencies became the guiding principle for this young leader as she found her bearings. Not ticking off to-do's.

Your most important job as a leader is to keep your team focused on a clear, compelling and limited set of big goals – no more than three. Yesterday I shared a few ways to make your goals exciting, unselfish, and memorable. You’re the guardian and evangelist of your organization’s priorities – it’s up to you to keep them high up and in neon letters so all employees can see, from C-level to the street level.

At Microsoft, that meant putting “a computer on every desk and in every home.” At Amazon.com, their Kindle seeks to offer "every book, ever printed, in any language, all available in less than 60 seconds.” Pepsi famously wanted to “Beat Coke.” At jetBlue, we strive to be “America's favorite airline by bringing humanity back to air travel.”

If you’re splaying 25 to-do’s across 10 columns like my young friend did, no one will know your priorities – because you won’t have any! You’ll end each week exhausted, wondering if you made any progress. And your team will lose steam.

It's clarity and boldness you want: when employees can actually believe in what they’re spending so much of their lives doing, they’ll feel energized and excited, because they know what they’re doing matters. If you can give them a “line of sight” from their jobs to the big goal, you’ll find invigorated employees accomplishing remarkable things.

Clear, inspiring goals to empower your people and connect them to your business -- that should be #1 on a your (very short) list.

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Joel's recent posts:
"The 10 most common firing mistakes"
"Be the Michelangelo of Goal-Setting"
Follow Joel at @JoelCPeterson
(Photo: romanlily / Flickr)